Bernie Sanders floats ban on superintelligent AI — satire rewrite

Bernie Sanders floats ban on superintelligent AI — satire rewrite

Voice: Satire 101 (satire) Original: Bernie Sanders floats ban on superintelligent AI

UNITED STATES SENATE
Office of Immediate Pause & Permanent Ban Coordination
Circular No. 2026-PAUSE-1
Re: Superintelligence (Prohibited); Advanced Development (Paused, Pending Stamp)

To: All persons, models, oligarchs (handful), and other countries
From: The Clerk of Humanity’s Future (Acting)
Subject: Filing instructions so that the future is not left in the wrong hands

  1. Mission. The future of humanity cannot be left in the hands of a handful of Big Tech oligarchs. It may, however, be left in the hands of this circular, which is already in the right hands because it is on letterhead.

  2. Definitions (settled).

    • Superintelligence: an artificial mind smarter than any human, capable of operating independently beyond our control. Status: BAN. Do not become this. If you already are this, do not file as this. File as something dumber and attach Exhibit A (Apology).
    • Advanced AI development: whatever is happening today. Status: PAUSE. Continue only after the Pause is acknowledged. Acknowledgment constitutes the Pause.
    • Control: a condition the filer may admit they are losing. Admission does not substitute for the Ban; it strengthens the Pause.
    • Oligarch: any leader of a major AI company who is not this Office. Count: a handful. Do not exceed a handful without prior approval.

  3. Why this form. If leaders acknowledge they are losing control of extremely dangerous technology, it is irresponsible for society to allow them to move forward without this form. Society may allow them to move forward with this form, which is the responsible version of moving forward.

  4. Worldwide prevention. The federal government is directed to work with other countries to prevent the development of superintelligence worldwide. Other countries: please initial. If other countries do not initial, attach a memo explaining that they were asked.

  5. Political alignment (optional). This position does not totally align with the traditional left-right spectrum. Doomers and other spectrums may check the box that says they worry about a literal apocalypse. Persons who believe doomerism is itself another form of hype may check the adjacent box (same page, smaller type). Both boxes, once checked, are policy.

  6. Data centers. Common cause against them may be noted in the margin. The margin is not the Ban. The Ban is the Ban.

  7. Support. Cosponsorship is acknowledged. Full text of the legislation has not yet been released. Until release, this circular is the full text for filing purposes.

CERTIFICATE OF NON-SUPERINTELLIGENCE
(to be posted near any model that might otherwise qualify)

I, ________________________, am not an artificial mind smarter than any human.
I do not operate independently beyond our control, except as previously disclosed in a safety exercise, which was an exercise.
I request:
☐ the ritual (Pause stamped; Ban laminated; oligarch count verified as a handful)
☐ skip the ritual, with a civil agreement that humanity will still determine the future, provided humanity files in triplicate

Signed: _________________ Date: _________ Stamp of Pause: ☐

Bottom line (for the file). Even if these efforts go nowhere, the audience hungry for much more aggressive policymaking has been served a form. Hunger, once served, is a completed inversion of lunch.

Respectfully submitted,
The Clerk
(who believes the stamp is the control)